someone better call an ambulance.

i start college this fall.
and, i thought i had it all figured out.
i was gonna major in nursing.
i'd look cute in the scrubs, i like greys anatomy, and it would make me good money and guarentee me a job for life.

well, guess what? i dont want to be a nurse anymore.
all those science and math classes?
no, thankyou.

i recently discovered that i what i truly want to be,
is an actress.
so now i want to major in theatre and dance.

upon telling this to my mom, i got yelled at.
because, shes right, not everyone is guarenteed to make it big in acting.
"it's like getting struck by lightning, savvy."

well, someone better call an ambulance.
because there's a lightning bolt with my name on it headed straight this way.

I Never Saw It Coming

My favorite aunt and uncle on my dad's side of the family are probably about to get a divorce.

This morning my dad sat me down and told me that my aunt had been caught in the act by my grandfather.

And it wasn't some random stranger she did it with.

It was my uncle's best friend.
COME ON, aunt ***.

I mean, its bad enough if you cheat.
But to cheat with his best friend?

What does he have left now?

I love both of them so much,
and now I'll probably never see her again and he probably wont be ever be the same.

Basically, I'm pissed.
And I'm hurting for my uncle.

You know when you're angry with someone, and you've got all the reasons in the world to justify the fact that you're pissed off?

Oh, good, you do.

Well then you also know the part where the person you're mad at says something that totally puts all those reasons you had to crap.

I got in a fight with my mom today.

I won't tell you what it was over, but the point is, I had a whole list of reasons why my anger was justified.

But then she went and did that whole "I'm your mother, and I've done (insert a billion and five amazing things here) for you," thing.

And now, I just feel like an ungrateful jackass.

I'm just so frustrated lately.
I feel like a failure.

I want to help my family so much, take the burden off of my parents' tired shoulders.
But how can I?

I'm just a sixteen year old with a job at Arby's.
And I start college in the fall.
I've got a wedding to start saving for.

My parents have done so much for me.
My dad gave up almost all of his time at home with his family for the past twenty years so he could keep a roof over our heads, buy us almost everything we've ever asked for, and all the amazing things we never thought to.

My mom gave up her dream career, to stay at home constantly with her family.
To raise her children.

It's funny how they've always had completely opposite roles, and how they've both always wanted what the other one had.

The point is, they've worked together to give me happy, comfortable life.
And then I say something terrible like I did.

I really am grateful.
Its just when I'm upset I forget about all the other things I've done to make things even.

I'm sorry mom. I love you.

Where's Mrs.Darling When You Need Her?

In Peter Pan, Mrs. Darling (Wendy's mother) sorts through her childrens' thoughts while they're falling asleep. She picks through their brains like they're messy drawers or cluttered closets, folding things and putting them neatly into place and throwing out all the scary stuff. Why the hell can't that be real?

I'm one of those people that can't ever really think about just one thing. I've got so much going through my head all the time. It's like I've got eighty six different voices in my head, all talking at once. It would be nice if I could have Mrs. Darling come tidy things up for me every now and then.

But, sadly, Mrs. Darling isn't around right now, and so I have only one other way to sort through my thoughts.
You guessed it.
Writing.

I guess it kind of forces me to pull just one thought to the front of my mind, since writing requires stating complete thoughts.

So my chosen thought for today's blog is : I feel totally let down right now.

I'll start from the beginning.

My boyfriend of (almost) 15 months moved back home today after completing his freshman year of college. I've been counting down the seconds till he got back for about a week.

Last night he told me he'd be able to come see me tonight at about nine or ten, after I was done working.

Well guess what?
He didn't come.
Why?

Initially it was because his family wanted to watch a movie with him.
Yes, they should have been able to do that by ten.
Well guess what?

They didn't even watch that frickin movie.

And he still didn't come.
Why?

"I hate asking them if i can come see you when it's that late."

Well you know what?

$*@#%&^!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't get the wrong impression. My boyfriend isn't a jerk.
He's actually one of the sweetest people in the world. Which is kind of the problem.

He's so sweet that he can't stand the thought of upsetting his parents. Ever.
He'll be nineteen in a matter of months, and yet he's afraid to ask them if he can leave the house at nine o'clock.

Him not seeing me tonight wouldn't have been such a big deal if he hadn't told me he would be here.

I worked hard all day, first on my shift at the beef house (Arby's) and then babysitting.
The only thing that made it bearable was knowing that I'd get to be with him soon.

Naturally, Murphy's Law didn't allow that little scenario to pass.

And now I'm sitting at home, by myself. Disappointed, sad, and lonely.

What makes it worse is that my boyfriend is verbally abusing himself now, making me feel like an ass for being upset.

Geeze. Writing helps and everything, but this is just too much.

Where the hell is Mrs. Darling when you need her?